How to get over the fear of losing your child

Single parents often blame themselves for not offering their children everything their souls desire. Starting from a favorite dish and getting to a toy they wish with all their hearts for, a single parent will never be able to offer everything. Especially in times of financial restraint.

However, this is one of the most visible of all struggles. It’s just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.

As a long-time separated parent, I know this for a fact. And, just like everything I write, this article also comes as a direct result of my own soul journey.

Single parents often times blame themselves for not offering their children everything their souls desire. Starting from a favorite dish and getting to a toy they wish with all their hearts for, a single parent will never be able to offer everything. Especially in times of financial restraint.

However, this is one of the most visible of all struggles. It’s just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.

As a long-time separated parent, I know this for a fact. And, just like everything I write, this article also comes as a direct result of my own soul journey.

Is the fear of losing your child yours?

Despite the fact that most of our fears are simply inherited concepts, the fear of losing our child is – without a doubt – ours. (Single parents should give a thought to this, although they might say they got over it a long time ago.)

If you’re thinking that I’m talking from books, let me mention the fact that I’m literally experiencing this fear as I’m writing this.

Then, why am I sharing this and telling you stuff?

The answer to this question couldn’t be more clear: because I wish for you to acknowledge my experience and, in time, to be able to rewrite the scripts of your own minds. And because writing heals and I want to help my own self.

Here is my experience with the fear of losing my children…

Since my elder girl was 6 months old, I feel like I’ve been raising my children all by myself. From an emotional support standpoint. When my youngest was 1,5 years of age (after all this time of being in a highly toxic relationship), my heart made the toughest decision of all. And that was to inform my partner that I no longer wanted to share my life with him.

What followed certainly resonates with all parents who went through something similar. Although I don’t want to go too much into detail, I’ll say that someone in my extended family stated, at some point, that if we got a divorce, they would make sure our children learn that we never wanted or loved them. Add to this the line “you’ll never have both of your children with you, as we’ll take one” and you get to the root cause of my present fear.

Is the script of losing your child true?

I believe this is debatable and there are tons of variables that might apply, in a material world.

However, making reference to the inner world, I feel that this fear is as true as it gets and it might be mine.

always tell my children that fear is only a self-constructed alternative world. And that we need to do everything in our power to get over this destructive feeling. But you know how taking your own pill is the hardest practice ever! Therefore my attempt to understand my own self and apply the advice I freely offer. And this is just another reason why I started writing this piece…

Let me take you through the process I witnessed within myself today. I do hope you will identify these thoughts while walking this path yourself.

Step 1. I received a call with the request of entrusting my children for a few hours to someone in the extended family. Before I even answered the call, my heart started pumping heavily, my hands and legs began to uncontrollably shake and I felt like choking.

Step 2. I still answered the call and I tried to control my trembling voice. Of course, I agreed to let my children have some time away, as I knew that this person usually takes good care of them. Plus, the children love that person very much. (I am grateful that I never mentioned to my children the above quoted threat I received when they were too young to understand).

Step 3. While getting my children ready, my entire body kept on shaking and I had to make sure my kids didn’t see that. However, I couldn’t control the feelings they were taking over from my fear. Buy I did see how their attitude changed in the blink of an eye. Just as fast as my mind started replaying that script of fear, over and over again. I caught myself understanding that their behaviour has to do with my silent insecurities. And I’m happy I did, as I managed to control the anger otherwise I would have unleashed upon these 2 innocent creatures.

Step 4. The time to entrust them came and, while saying goodbye and turning my back to go back home, thoughts of frustration and fear kept on thundering into my brain. But on the outside I was so calm I couldn’t even believe it myself!

Step 5. Once I locked the door behind me, I felt a bit better, as I knew that this time alone will allow me to chew over all these intense feelings. And, as I always do when I need to think something through, I started cleaning up (this is my way of meditating, as weird as it may sound).

Step 6. For some reason, my “Fly, fly butterfly” article came to my mind. Probably because it speaks about how our children are not to be regarded as trophies. Rather, we need to give them the right to choose.

Step 7. Going further, I realised how blessed I am to have an incredible mentor! She always gives me an incredibly powerful advice: to let my feelings take over for a while, stay with them (instead of pushing them away), understand them (in the means of discovering where do they come from), acknowledge what I can do about them and then let go.

How to change the script of losing your child

Here is where the change came into play and why I want to share all this journey with you. There are steps we can take to change that script and, to my big surprise, practice pays off.

I started by completely remembering the moment when I was threatened with having my children split and informed that their parents never wanted and loved them. (Yes, in vivid colors and loud voices!) Knowing what I know today, I observed the shaking of my body and soul. I consciously allowed that feeling of terror to take over, as I started to scratch the surface in learning the root cause of this terrifying script about losing my children.

At the same time, I started questioning this fear even more. “Is it really mine? Is it theirs, in fact? Or is it on both sides?”

I am still to objectively discover the true answer to these questions (although I thought I had it clear in the beginning of this article), yet I realized how to go about changing the script.

And the answer is this: I must forgive the person who threatened me, in order for inner peace to reign. They didn’t know any better then and neither did I. So, in fact I need to forgive both myself – for allowing those words to touch me so deeply, and them – for throwing out words they might have never believed in.

Additionally, the thought that my children have the right to meet that person and walk their soul journey gave me a bit of a rest from this inner torment.

By the time this article is coming to an end, I can wholeheartedly confess that neither my body nor my soul are shaking any longer. I know my children are safe and so am I. Whatever the future holds is not to be denied, rather experienced and learned from. Nonetheless, the greatest trophy I can award myself from taking this experience is that my mind has made peace with my past.

And there is an overflow of happiness within! I never thought I would be able to transcend such inner storms and so quickly rewrite the script about the fear of losing my children. But today, I feel that I am finally free to move on and experience the marvels of this life!

Thank you, mentor ! Thank you God! And thank you Universe!

I hope one day I will be able to forgive my children’s father and myself once again, just the way I did today with this other person!

Love,
A.

🔞 Pain unchained

Alike all teenagers these days, I was really fond of social media and making new friends, from different corners of the world. Another reason of being happy – after a few months, I could proudly say that I had a very good friend online, without even seeing each other in flesh. My friend used to “listen” to me and encourage me for the better.

This goes out as the first #SilentVoice shout out. The story is adapted, here and there, in order to protect the victim (no real names or actual places get disclosed).

The story is getting published upon 100% approval of the text by the affected person, under strict conditions of confidentiality. If, at all times, someone would like to share it, my approval is required, as I engage to protect each of the parties involved, no matter what.

In the same time, anyone who would like to become part of the campaign, in the means of providing support to the victim, is kindly asked to contact me privately, in order to get connected to the person.


“I used to be a regular girl, with a normal life, born and raised in a beautiful country. I liked to study and did my best to get good grades, as I had big plans for my life. Nonetheless, the year brought me nothing but failures… Hardships did not avoid me and my family, yet we wanted to overcome our status, therefore each member would work hard for this goal.

So I made up my mind to bring my contribution to supporting my family, by applying to a summer job, once school was over. I was really excited about what the near future would bring, as I successfully passed the interview and I was about to earn my first paycheck and make my parents proud, in the same time with building some self-confidence.

On the other hand, alike all teenagers these days, I was really fond of social media and making new friends, from different corners of the world. Another reason of being happy – after a few months, I could proudly say that I had a very good friend online, without even seeing each other in flesh. My friend used to “listen” to me and encourage me for the better.

One day, my online friend introduced me to a female friend and proposed me to go out with them and their friends, since we were all about to attend similar area of interest studies, but different institutions. As I have built trust with my online friend, there was nothing shorter than enthusiasm when I was asked to hang out. I would happily get ready, having my heart wrapped with joy for the upcoming celebration of my accomplishments.

This overwhelming enthusiasm made me overlook the voice in my head and that warning feeling in my heart. I just wanted to be happy for 1 night, before having the future greeting me.

I was ready pretty early and I couldn’t wait to have fun, so I went out before sunset. I would soon meet everyone, but I was more excited to seeing my online friend. Even though everyone behaved very nice, I was aware to not have anything put in my beverage glass. (I believe that finishing that bottle of beverage was what changed my life for good, that evening.) But I felt really good, so I kept on dancing and enjoying their company until the time to leave was there.

I was pretty sure that my friend would take me home, so I asked for the favor. To my surprise, I was turned down, so I had no other choice but walking, even though I had no idea where I was or how was I supposed to get home.

I can’t recall what happened in a blink of an eye, but the next thing I remember was myself in a car that stopped a few feet from an institution of law. When the car door opened, all I know is that I was pushed outside and merciless left there. I found my strength to get up, go inside and ask for assistance. Yet, instead of getting help, I was being mocked, because to my outfit. I would beg them to assist me for getting home safely, yet another round of laughter was what I received. I, then, begged them to let me sleep in an empty cell, just until the dawn of the new day would light my path, but they overlooked the importance of a scared youngster and didn’t care that my body could have made the next morning’s newspaper headline. Danger was of no importance to them. So I left, hoping to get home as soon as possible. (But now, I can’t keep myself from wondering: what if someone in their family would have been exposed as I was? Wouldn’t they have given a damn about it?)

I would soon arrive to a familiar neighborhood, fact that made me loosen up a bit, since my shelter was near. As I was taking my quick walk, some guy popped out of nowhere, asking me where was I going and if I would allow him to take me to destination, as it was very late, dark and my safety was at stake. I was very tired of walking, so I was happy to agree accompanying him to pick up his car, from his nearby place. We got there soon, but there was no car in the garage, yet a bunch of male friends of the “nice” guy, waiting for the pray to come.

That was the moment when my life took me from bad to worse. I felt my clothes reap and the cold cement I was lying on. As they took turns in stealing my most precious gift, while hurting me deeply, my brain zoomed out!

This was not the plan! The evening was supposed to be a happy one, as I was too smart and too strong for being violated like this! To be brutalized like this!

While I was being raped in turns and hurt with burning coal, my mind loved me enough to shift the focus to the COLD floor I was lying on. My brain shut down, in an attempt of protecting me from feeling that unchained pain.

When I woke up, while getting dressed, I could clearly hear those men discussing what was next, how, where and by which one. One of them was supposed to get rid of me, somewhere, in the middle of nowhere… As I was walking, my brain was planning the escape in detail. I still don’t know where I got the courage to break free from his grip and run back to the main road. While I was screaming for help, no car would stop and he was still chasing me. Despair was at its highest peak, when, out of the blue, a car finally stopped. There were a few guys inside and I was afraid to get in, but there was nothing left to lose. To my amazement, I was saved!

I went to a clinic, as soon as I could feel my feet again, but I was mocked again. The personnel there told me that it was impossible for someone to have several blackouts in 1 night. The forced penetration was a fact, but there was “something about my story that did not add up”, as I couldn’t remember every detail. (How could have I? The pain determined my brain to shut down! I thank God for that!)

As much as all of this hurts me ever since and my emotions are all over the place, I wish I could have those guys looking me straight into the eyes, while I’m asking them “Why me?”, “why did they do that to me?”

While I was getting punished for being a woman, I would cry, kick and even apologize for being in the wrong place, at the inappropriate moment. I would have done anything in my power to make them stop, yet they didn’t even hear me. They never stopped!

As for my online “friend”, I would have expected them to ask me how I was, the next day. But all I can think of is having been sold, in the most outrageous manner. I wonder if any of my actions determined him to not consider me as a human being and leaving me pray to danger.

The relationship with my family changed ever since this episode. I’ve been blamed for hurting them, I’ve been determined to feel dirty and to have my self-esteem stepped over without a remorse. My state of mind prevented me from carrying on with my previous plans and, due to lack of support, I lost count of suicide attempts.

My name is Akira and I am victim of physical abuse! I am not what happened to me, but I live it every day of my life, even though several years have passed.

Yes, I am a victim, but not for making people pity me, but because my virginity and innocence were brutally and painfully stripped off me! I am willing to do anything to get my life back! I want to go back to being happy and not scared of feeling dirty! I need closure, so that I can, actually, move on to another chapter of my life.

I wanted my story be told, in order to help others avoid going through the same pain as I did!