How to get over the fear of losing your child

Single parents often blame themselves for not offering their children everything their souls desire. Starting from a favorite dish and getting to a toy they wish with all their hearts for, a single parent will never be able to offer everything. Especially in times of financial restraint.

However, this is one of the most visible of all struggles. It’s just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.

As a long-time separated parent, I know this for a fact. And, just like everything I write, this article also comes as a direct result of my own soul journey.

Single parents often times blame themselves for not offering their children everything their souls desire. Starting from a favorite dish and getting to a toy they wish with all their hearts for, a single parent will never be able to offer everything. Especially in times of financial restraint.

However, this is one of the most visible of all struggles. It’s just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.

As a long-time separated parent, I know this for a fact. And, just like everything I write, this article also comes as a direct result of my own soul journey.

Is the fear of losing your child yours?

Despite the fact that most of our fears are simply inherited concepts, the fear of losing our child is – without a doubt – ours. (Single parents should give a thought to this, although they might say they got over it a long time ago.)

If you’re thinking that I’m talking from books, let me mention the fact that I’m literally experiencing this fear as I’m writing this.

Then, why am I sharing this and telling you stuff?

The answer to this question couldn’t be more clear: because I wish for you to acknowledge my experience and, in time, to be able to rewrite the scripts of your own minds. And because writing heals and I want to help my own self.

Here is my experience with the fear of losing my children…

Since my elder girl was 6 months old, I feel like I’ve been raising my children all by myself. From an emotional support standpoint. When my youngest was 1,5 years of age (after all this time of being in a highly toxic relationship), my heart made the toughest decision of all. And that was to inform my partner that I no longer wanted to share my life with him.

What followed certainly resonates with all parents who went through something similar. Although I don’t want to go too much into detail, I’ll say that someone in my extended family stated, at some point, that if we got a divorce, they would make sure our children learn that we never wanted or loved them. Add to this the line “you’ll never have both of your children with you, as we’ll take one” and you get to the root cause of my present fear.

Is the script of losing your child true?

I believe this is debatable and there are tons of variables that might apply, in a material world.

However, making reference to the inner world, I feel that this fear is as true as it gets and it might be mine.

always tell my children that fear is only a self-constructed alternative world. And that we need to do everything in our power to get over this destructive feeling. But you know how taking your own pill is the hardest practice ever! Therefore my attempt to understand my own self and apply the advice I freely offer. And this is just another reason why I started writing this piece…

Let me take you through the process I witnessed within myself today. I do hope you will identify these thoughts while walking this path yourself.

Step 1. I received a call with the request of entrusting my children for a few hours to someone in the extended family. Before I even answered the call, my heart started pumping heavily, my hands and legs began to uncontrollably shake and I felt like choking.

Step 2. I still answered the call and I tried to control my trembling voice. Of course, I agreed to let my children have some time away, as I knew that this person usually takes good care of them. Plus, the children love that person very much. (I am grateful that I never mentioned to my children the above quoted threat I received when they were too young to understand).

Step 3. While getting my children ready, my entire body kept on shaking and I had to make sure my kids didn’t see that. However, I couldn’t control the feelings they were taking over from my fear. Buy I did see how their attitude changed in the blink of an eye. Just as fast as my mind started replaying that script of fear, over and over again. I caught myself understanding that their behaviour has to do with my silent insecurities. And I’m happy I did, as I managed to control the anger otherwise I would have unleashed upon these 2 innocent creatures.

Step 4. The time to entrust them came and, while saying goodbye and turning my back to go back home, thoughts of frustration and fear kept on thundering into my brain. But on the outside I was so calm I couldn’t even believe it myself!

Step 5. Once I locked the door behind me, I felt a bit better, as I knew that this time alone will allow me to chew over all these intense feelings. And, as I always do when I need to think something through, I started cleaning up (this is my way of meditating, as weird as it may sound).

Step 6. For some reason, my “Fly, fly butterfly” article came to my mind. Probably because it speaks about how our children are not to be regarded as trophies. Rather, we need to give them the right to choose.

Step 7. Going further, I realised how blessed I am to have an incredible mentor! She always gives me an incredibly powerful advice: to let my feelings take over for a while, stay with them (instead of pushing them away), understand them (in the means of discovering where do they come from), acknowledge what I can do about them and then let go.

How to change the script of losing your child

Here is where the change came into play and why I want to share all this journey with you. There are steps we can take to change that script and, to my big surprise, practice pays off.

I started by completely remembering the moment when I was threatened with having my children split and informed that their parents never wanted and loved them. (Yes, in vivid colors and loud voices!) Knowing what I know today, I observed the shaking of my body and soul. I consciously allowed that feeling of terror to take over, as I started to scratch the surface in learning the root cause of this terrifying script about losing my children.

At the same time, I started questioning this fear even more. “Is it really mine? Is it theirs, in fact? Or is it on both sides?”

I am still to objectively discover the true answer to these questions (although I thought I had it clear in the beginning of this article), yet I realized how to go about changing the script.

And the answer is this: I must forgive the person who threatened me, in order for inner peace to reign. They didn’t know any better then and neither did I. So, in fact I need to forgive both myself – for allowing those words to touch me so deeply, and them – for throwing out words they might have never believed in.

Additionally, the thought that my children have the right to meet that person and walk their soul journey gave me a bit of a rest from this inner torment.

By the time this article is coming to an end, I can wholeheartedly confess that neither my body nor my soul are shaking any longer. I know my children are safe and so am I. Whatever the future holds is not to be denied, rather experienced and learned from. Nonetheless, the greatest trophy I can award myself from taking this experience is that my mind has made peace with my past.

And there is an overflow of happiness within! I never thought I would be able to transcend such inner storms and so quickly rewrite the script about the fear of losing my children. But today, I feel that I am finally free to move on and experience the marvels of this life!

Thank you, mentor ! Thank you God! And thank you Universe!

I hope one day I will be able to forgive my children’s father and myself once again, just the way I did today with this other person!

Love,
A.

Acid spray!

Most of us, throughout this experience called a life, encounter beautiful people and people that are stubborn to keep their eyes closed to what the “humanity” term should express. Today, my choice of debate goes towards the second cathegory, which hurts the first, on purpose. 

[Listen to: Katy Perry – Roar]

I’ve come across so many malicious behaviors, that I decided to write about this. Not necessarily towards me, as I usually cut it off with a line, but in regards to people I’ve come to care for. However, this message is not just for defending someone in particular or for pointing a finger to a specific person. No, is a more elaborate message, meant to raise awareness to a wider range of today’s issues. One more point to be stressed out from the beginning: this is no feminist rebel yell, but a scream for HUMANITY!

Can’t wait for your comments…

Most of us, throughout this experience called a life, encounter beautiful people and people who are stubborn to keep their eyes closed to what the “humanity” term should express. Today, my choice of debate goes towards the second cathegory, which hurts the first, on purpose.

“You tough ones, let me tell you some of nowadays truths!

The age of men bringing food into the cave, using the only available weapon – the fist – is long-buried. But even the Neanderthals would respect their mating partners. (Of course, you will consider this offensive, but maybe it’s time you reconsidered some values and opened your eyes to the world around you!)

So, I tell you this…

You see women as the weak sex, therefore let me break it down for you. THIS IS W R O N G!!! Just take a look around you! You go to work, they do all the rest. Even more – admit the differences between you and them, considering just a flu or a toothache. I know you’ll find it hard to admit, but if you don’t, you’ll be stuck in your own black, void, mind forever.

Taking the last line, tell me, do you get that empowering feeling of rage against me, now? Will you – comfortably – troll this article? Would you get that triumphal look on your face if you punched me right now and took my teeth as proof of your victory? Or being compelled to look at my swallowed cheek or black eye after your swelling tide has passed would make your ego inflate? Do you feel that your manhood just bloomed if you marked me for life, just for defending your stupid ambition? Would your status get a boost if you bragged about all the horrible assaults I might have been the subject of?

Would all this make you feel man enough? (Take all the time you need, but I’m not sure you’ll pass this test!)

That was a minimal approach of the physical abuse. But what about the emotional one (be it based on cultural/ gender/ worth discrimination)? Can there be a feasible comparison between the 2?

Not sure about this. But I know that both of them leave bruises. And the mental abuse lasts longer. While my black, swollen eye recovers, the affected part of my brain takes continuous effort or even forever. So, before you open your mouth, you’d better do everyone a favor and use your brain. Shooting venomous lines may relieve you on the spot and give you that superiority degree boost and caress your ego, but you’ll be sorry for it. I will, eventually, get over you, but I will rise stronger than you could have ever imagined. And you’ll be left behind, crying your misery loudly in your full-of-my-heart’s-blood fists.

Take my friendly advice (while it lasts) and mind your own business. Take a looooong look in that narcissistic mirror of yours and use cleaning products to make it show your true face. I’m sure you’ll be shocked! Truth hurts! But it will not be me any longer. It will be your own self. And no one will take you out of your head and self-criticism, once you get there. You will have hurt too many people for someone to care for your wake-up call.

So, you should take the lesson on what you’ve done (again, this needs some balls to see and admit), forget about me and treat others with respect. Have you ever heard of this? Try turning the pages of a dictionary if you need additional information. Ah, but that may imply using your hands towards a noble purpose. Can you do that? Do you know how to instruct your hands to do that? Well, everything comes with exercise, so you’ll get the hang of it, eventually. But wait! That requires some coordination between brain and body. And you may get lost here…

As I’ve given too much of my energy to make you – a bully – the subject of my article, I’ll be happy to walk away now and let you check if you have a magnifier. To look for the invisible parts of a brain capable of so much malice and see if there’s any medicine that can heal something that was never there. (You’re confused now…) What was never there? A soul… compassion… love for others… goodwill… care… RESPECT (tough word)!

In the end, all women walk away, once they acknowledge self-worth and gain that power of rising. And they will find some “pussy” guy, who will never be man enough to hit or disrespect them. Such as yourself. You are a true man by doing this, right? As you have no weapons besides the fist and a devilish emptiness in your skull…

Imprint the following words on your retina:

All this behavior of yours betrays a terminal-phase complex, determined by the fear of being surpassed and/ or guided by a woman’s IQ! 

(Touché, puttycat!)

I love happy endings, so let me tell you one more thing, before I leave you helpless on the floor of your conscience (I wonder if you ever had one):

A woman will always get up, no matter what. And that pussy man beside her will give her a hand to help. Even if they will only be friends (another term you need to learn!), that man will stand up for defending her lost treasure – self-confidence.

Oh, and something else. You’ll be surprised to find out how many men would be ready to punch your face for trying to damage the strength of a woman!

So here, you found the happy ending. But you’re not part of it!”

My message to void brains ends here. But I have one more, for the affected side.

To all the ladies out there:

N E V E R   give up! Never bow your head because of doctrines! Speak up for yourselves! Search within your own soul, for there is where strength and happiness lay! Use your voice and don’t you be afraid! Stand up tall and N E V E R  let a “man” destroy your utmost treasure – YOU! You be your best friend and never give the opportunity of a hit (be it on physical or emotional side)! Discover your own selves and you will never settle for less than you deserve! Women are NOT worthy of less equity, while we breathe the  same air! Don’t let the fire burn you, but BECOME THE FLAME! 

Become the flameSo, here you are, a song to keep your chin up and boost self-confidence! This also goes out to all the ones who will never be men enough to hurt a woman, but choose to be the pussy to hold her hand and show RESPECT! Hat off for you, guys!

[Listen to: Stoneback – Stronger]

Love,
A.

Nightmares…

I know nightmares are, usually, about releasing negative energies from our minds. Yet, getting scared (sometimes in such a way that I wake up crying real tears) is something that I didn’t learn to control…

Did you ever have a nightmare so vivid, that you woke up scared because of it? Believing that something is actually going on? Well, I do… Reality to me last night. 6 hours of sleep, but more than enough to “live” such a trembling experience…

I have months of dreamless nights, yet one of these is enough to make me want to stay awake for the next nights. I had too many of those…

But here is the one from last night…

It was as if I was at home, with my girls and the daughter of a neighbor, who was supposed to sleep over. (Nothing unusual… And I never sleep with my entrance door unlocked. Ever!) So, I was taking my tour to closing everything left open. I started with the door, of course (as in real life). It was closed. The handle wouldn’t let the door open, yet the lock was still asking for the key for closing it. But the key was just tuning in vain. As if it was broken… Ok, I thought that was really strange, but I didn’t want to install panic among the girls. So, I just kept going with the “nighty-night” procedures. But before that I have closed the windows as well… While tucking the kids in, I felt a breeze in the back of my head, thing that was unexpected, since I closed ALL the windows myself. As I go by the windows, I see they’re cracked-open. And that scared the sh*i out of me. (You know that vivid heart-racing?). I started shaking and thinking about the kids, yet I had to remain calm for frighten not to reach them. So, I put my hands on the windows, in a failed attempt to close them again. They were stubborn. Even if they would stay closed for a second, something was pushing them back… The last thing I remember from this, is that I was experiencing that “mute scream”. (Did you ever try running in a dream, but your legs were stuck? Did you ever scream for help, but your voice just wouldn’t help you? As if your vocal chords wouldn’t vibrate a sound?). And I lost it… I woke up. But the feeling was still all over my body…

Naturally, in that scary state, I checked on my girls and looked around. I managed to go back to sleep about half an hour later…

“Not a big deal” you may say. However, I had so many similar dreams, that I’m starting to believe something is going wrong with my subconscious. You know, they say dreams are a reflection of our subconscious mind.

I know nightmares are, usually, about releasing negative energies from our minds. Yet, getting scared (sometimes in such a way that I wake up crying real tears) is something that I didn’t learn to control.

What I know for sure, in real life, is that I’m afraid of being attacked in my own home. Ran over by malicious men. (I never dreamed a woman doing that in my life!) And if I tell you this, you (as well as I) may understand why…

Not talking about a dream now, but about what really happened!

I had a boyfriend in my twenties. All went well for a few months, but the relationship started to shake.

And I wanted to get out of it. So, I told him to leave. He did (surprisingly) but he started ringing me at night, at the office – regardless of the moment – and threaten me. And my parents. Even though he did never see the personal numbers of any of my folks, he found them out by the name and messaged me with the perfect match of them. Threatening that my father would have to deal with some huge scandal at work (a respectable man, working for a prestigious company) and that my mother would have to face law because of her illness “faking”. And that I should better watch out for black cars… And there was another incident with this guy… He came by one day and, without me realizing that was no answer to the “who is it?” question, I opened the door and he just ran into me, he grabbed my neck and yelled – to be heard from a few blocks away: “I’m gonna kill you, bitch!”

Can you imagine those seconds of terror, when I was choking and desperately looking to escape? He had a millisecond of not paying attention, when his hand went slightly loose, and I rushed into saying: “Get your hand off or I’ll manage to grab something from the kitchen before you can take my life…” He did, in the end, understand that he was actually about to kill someone he loved and set me free. But I could barely bring my breathing back to normal and I had hard times in getting him out. He started apologizing and I was pushing him and almost squeezing him with the door, to get him away from me!

Seriously, I’m not joking about this! I’m not making anything up for the sake of gaining readers. Moreover, this article is, in fact, a tryout for understanding nightmares. The root cause of a subconscious clinge. And my attempt to get things out if my system… You, may be skeptical about this, but it is only now – that I started writing about it – that I realized the possible root cause of my nightmares.

You see, such episodes affect our brains for life. And they drag fear into our lives. Even if we think that everything is gone and we’re all fine, the fear for our lives remains somewhere, in a dark place, until we are ready to search for it and take it out. No psychiatrist (as skilled as they may be) will ever manage to understand the real feeling of the moment. Because they don’t get emotionally involved. Is YOU only that can set you free.

Did you experience similar situations? And did you ever try to figure out where do all these negative energies come from?

I hope that, by voicing my mind, I will manage to set myself free of them…

Love,
A.